A free soul...

Faisons plus ample connaissance...
Un portrait.
Une contribution que Sabah Hadi, auteure, m'avait demandé de rédiger pour son livre intitulé For the People, By the People, édité sur Amazon en 2012.
En anglais.
Bonne lecture :)

A free soul

I had an ideal childhood between mountains and valleys, in a small village in France. I lived in a 'Little house on the prairie'! Awesome landscapes and some values.

Cocoon is a word that best describes my early years. Just as ‘disturber’ is the word that best describes me. I was a person who could not be contained. I was a kind, well-educated and respectful disturber and so, I was accepted, even appreciated. I couldn’t say if I was paid heed to. Or my doubts attended to, at least not in the way I would have preferred. I was an arguer, and I’d like to believe, a thinker, which invariably categorized me in the different league. I didn’t mind it one bit. It made me happy that I was no sheep.

Church occupied a big part of my life. Readings at Sunday mass, young believers’ gatherings, I went to them all. And I wasn’t a silent listener. I was the skeptic. I was the one who said, ‘‘I disagree!’’, ‘‘Ok, but’’, ‘‘So then.’’

I became a ‘Miss So Then.’  At the end of every debate organized for the youth in the Church, the moderator looked at me, waiting for a ‘but’. And when none was forthcoming, which was rare, a sheath of relief lay across his face like a mountain stopped in its tracks.

I was, as I am now- a sincere Believer. I never argued about the existence of God although I wasn’t convinced of a few Christian beliefs and didn’t agree with many habits. For example, as a young idealistic and romantic girl, I would wonder how the Priest agreed to officiate a marriage of a young couple who were living together before marriage. The fact that people were not living in accordance with their speech disturbed me. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t live the way they aspired to. Getting drunk, using inappropriate language, this was the life I saw.

I waited for High school to finish so that I could pack my bags and leave. I had to move out of the cocoon, much as I treasured the safety it gave me. I chose Strasbourg, a bigger town, lovely and charming. It is a multicultural city which welcomed students from many countries. It was so exciting for me to be in a place that sang its own life song and was vibrant with the colors of the world. It was like taking a big breath, a deep one which gave me a new lease of life. There were cultural places to go to, big libraries to browse and read in. At last I had the tools to open my mind.

I went headlong into my favorite activity of Debates. Religion was at the heart of most of them. As part of my Languages studies, I decided to add Arabic as a new language. Consequently, I met many Muslims with whom I began to share thoughts and experiences. The more I was doing this, the more my soul was recognizing itself as a Muslim. A Muslim who was ignoring that she was one. I couldn’t believe it. All I was learning about Islam were my own convictions, the beliefs that I held close to my heart. They were throbbing inside me with so much life. I wondered at the possibility of this life and was amazed. It is so beautifully designed. Indeed it is.

I would say that my original nature or Fitrah has been preserved. A baby comes into this world with the belief in his Creator. The way you grow keeps you in this way or takes you far from it.

It was liberation to know who I am. I had lived 18 years filled with questions, doubts and misunderstandings. Now, I wondered what to call this new feeling- a rebirth, an awakening, an epiphany or a denouement. It could be one of those words; it could be all of those words. It didn’t matter.

From that day, I decided I would not follow people any more. I read and tried to understand Islam by myself. I began to make my own choices. I began to out my trust in Allah who is no one but God and in my feelings. I am convinced that Allah guides us through our feelings. The closer you are to Him, the purer your feelings and your feelings rarely mislead you.

I never felt so free. Free to think, free to act. A few months later, I married. Four children followed. Somewhere in the middle of all these developments, I started to wear Hijab. It was still very uncommon in France. I decided to home-school my children. I wanted my children to study for the love of knowledge and not to ‘collect’ good marks. I wanted them to be actors of their education and not to endure it. This choice, as well, is marginal in France.

I also knew that my Hijab would prove to be a barrier in a day job. So I decided to run my own business and opened an independent bookshop. I love that I have no boss to tell me what to do and yes, I don’t like to submit to anyone but Allah.

People from places like the UK, Canada and USA will not think much of these choices because they cannot imagine what a challenge it is to make these choices in France. Here, it is tough to find people who are open-minded and who attempt to understand why you are so different.

I am convinced that spirituality has no sense if it is not active. Active spirituality means you cannot only believe and pray without trying to change the world around.  I have always been very active to fight against injustice. To be an active citizen is my duty but more than that it is my need. I can’t and won’t be satisfied being an audience.

As a mother, I make efforts to make my children aware and help them get enough knowledge and critical spirit to make their own choices and be different. Being what we want to be and exploring the recesses of our minds is the way to finding our souls. I look around me and feel dejected that Muslims are not doing this. They do not have enough courage to be themselves. Islam is a perfect system which opens ways and offers many alternative solutions to economic, political and social issues. My life experience has taught me one thing and it is to go ahead, think, express and be myself. The world needs free people.

Ghislaine Compagnon is a Bookshop Manager and lives in France with her family.